Operation TRANSLATE.

So I'm housesitting three full grown golden retrievers. NOOOO DON'T GET BORED AND CLOSE THIS TAB. OK thanks.

Before you get the false impression of my heroism, I'll admit that one of them is like 16 years old and has vestibulitis that makes her cock her head to the right permanently so she looks like she's constantly concerned. That's Abby.

The other is a CCI prep dog, so uh, she is probably capable of making my coffee. That's Mylie. This is not her first appearance in The Big Girl Pants, if you remember.

So these dogs are pretty good. But Gus is neither old nor pre-College. He gets to be a Golden Retriever. And it's work. Given the fact that I'm cutting caffiene out, it's REAL work. I don't have much energy to do anything human or normal. Let alone this. But these dogs are beautiful and heartmelting. Plus I'm the master of "just powering through," so you are the lucky beneficiary of how this is going. NO PLEASE I SAID DON'T CLOSE THE TAB, PLEASE READ. OK so today's topic is how the dogs act when they think they're tough.

Note the sexy purple and blue stripes down the side of my leg. Thanks Mylie. I am excited to see you in the morning, too.
To the neighbors, today might just sound like two wild dogs barking angrily at a sinister serial killer mailman. But really, it's just Gus and Abby and some squirrel in the gully outside. Gus booms a big, dominant Retriever bark. Abby seconds his opinion as if he needed backup. It's like an echo, with her weak, monotone, 112-in-dog-years, efforts. It goes like this.

GUS: aWOOOOUUF. Snort
ABBY: Wuf.
GUS: aaWOOOOOOOOUFFF. Snort Snort.
ABBY: Wuf.
GUS: wwGWRUUUUUOOWWWFFFF.
ABBY: Mmm. Hm. Hf.

GUS is done barking.
A moment passes.
ABBY: Wuf.

Translation.

GUS: HEY PUNK! Yeah, oh that's right, KEEP WALKIN.
ABBY: Exactly.
GUS: Oh HELL if you pretend not to hear me, mail carrier.
ABBY: Yeah. What he said.
GUS: I'M HUGE, MY SOUND IS HUGE, I'M BY THE HUGE PICTURE WINDOW. AND I'M HUGE AND MASSIVE AND REALLY TOUGH. ARE YOU REALLY ABLE TO IGNORE THIS? I DON'T THINK IT CAN BE IGNORED.
ABBY: Yeah.
GUS: WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE? I'm the Samuel L Jackson of DAWGS, dawg.
ABBY: Yeah.
GUS: ENGLISH, Motherf****r. Do you speak it?

GUS is done talking.
A moment passes.
ABBY: Yeah.